issue #189 - the "no expectations" one

it could be the secret to your best summer

Author

Hitha Palepu
August 06, 2023

Hello, friend. How are you today?

I hope your summer has not been disappointing.

This season comes with high expectations (both culturally and self-imposed) that have usually left me feeling disappointed, unsatisfied, and just blergh by the time August rolls around.

Hence my wish for a non-disappointing summer for you. I hope you’ve enjoyed your favorite frozen treats, savored a couple of days of nice weather, and got to dine al fresco. I’ve been cramming in all these experiences over the past few weeks after I felt better from my surgery.

I spoke at and loved every second of the MTHR Retreat on the Cape. My husband and I enjoyed a staycation in the city (a big thanks to my in-laws for taking the kids!). I got to see friends and attend a few events that met the “yes” qualifications. I saw my all-time favorite band perform (and discovered that I could very much still hang in the pit, though next time I will wear a sports bra and period underwear).

I definitely lost count of how many vanilla sprinkle cones I got from Mister Softee trucks all over the city.

These little sparks have helped me weather some difficult mental health moments this summer (partly from my hysterectomy, partly from just how my brain’s neurochemistry is), which I wrote about in detail in my friend Tara’s newsletter. The latest visit to my emotional Hotel California prompted me to finally meet with a psychiatrist last week. While I’m still processing my diagnosis and my body is adjusting to the new medication, it does feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders - and it was a weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying, and assumed it was a permanent part of my body.

This was the first summer I reduced my expectations to near zero, and it has been a really lovely one. My surgery forced me to slow down and take some time off. After spending weeks at home, I had a deeper appreciation for the out-and-about experiences I did have.

This is a mindset I want to take into every season - near-zero expectations, entering the season with downtime and family as my main priority for a few weeks, and keeping my high standards for what I do say yes to.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, with a month of summer left to enjoy. We’ll be spending a lot of it in beautiful Vancouver with our extended family and to introduce a more relaxed way of life to my very New Yorker kids.

It won’t be perfect. It will be messy and loud and jet-lagged and requiring an adjustment for all of us. But I know there’s going to be laughter, exploring, and feeling at home because I’m with the people that are my home. And what a gift that is - to remember there is magic in the mundane, and to seek it out the way we tend to hold onto the hard moments where nothing goes right.

Both are true, and we need to hold space and process both instead of fixating on the former and eating about the latter. I’m embracing the whole messy magic.

The 5SR team will be taking the last two weeks of August off - no daily news roundups, no weekend newsletters. We still have two weeks of near-regular programming (just one more weekend newsletter between now and September), but I wanted to give you a heads up now. I’ll be posting on Instagram when I feel like I have something to share, and it’s a mindset I invite you to try out as well.

What We Read This Week:

Hitha 
The Antiquity Affair by Lee Kelly and Jennifer Thorne - I’ve settled back into my audiobook and needlepoint routine, and I credit this excellent novel for helping me re-establish this joy stack (like a habit stack, but to maximize your enjoyment). It’s rare that an archeology-themed book actually addresses the exploitation of the culture and sovereignty of countries of excavations (and at the beginning!), and in a really powerful and aggressively feminist tale. The audiobook’s narrators really bring this book alive, and I highly recommend reading it via audio.

Jenny 
Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry: An Empowering Perspective on Marriage, Separation, and Divorce From A Marriage- Loving Divorce Attorney by Nicole Sodoma - To no one's surprise we love this book from marriage-loving divorce attorney Nicole Sodoma. From practical advice on how to create a marriage worth staying in to hints on knowing when it's time to leave, this book has you covered in the gentle, guiding and direct way only Nicole can accomplish.

Larell 
Yoga and Psychotherapy: The Evolution of Consciousness by Swami Rama, Swami Ajaya, Rudolpy Ballentine - Yoga and Psychotherapy is one of those grounding and insightful reads I continue to return to. You might, too, if you're a sucker for psychology and spirituality. It's written in a casual, matter-of-fact tone and is authored by some brilliant yogis and psychologists. Every page has a golden nugget, so I often slow down and chew on a few pages at a time.

 Shibani
You, With A View by Jessica Joyce - I love this book SO much!! I couldn’t wait to turn the pages and at the same time, I didn’t want it to end. When her Tiktok goes viral, Noelle finds herself on a road trip with her recently deceased grandma’s ex-fiancé and his grandson, who turns out to be Noelle’s high school nemesis Theo. It’s such a beautiful story of grief and love - do yourself a favor and just read it.

Noelle and Theo may be my new favorite book couple. Enemies to lovers ✅ Road trip ✅ Only one bed ✅ Laugh out loud funny ✅ Top notch banter ✅ 🌶️ ✅ “He kisses like some people fuck: slow, deep, and dirty, with bitten-off noises that broadcast his need.”

What You Do to Me by Rochelle B. Weinstein - My god, THIS BOOK!!! I couldn’t stop turning the pages and simultaneously wanting the story to go on forever. It’s an absolutely beautiful story, about a musician and muse and the journalist trying to uncover the mystery behind a hit song. Definitely one of the best books I’ve read this year. Read this if you enjoy Taylor Jenkins Reid’s books. This one isn't out until October 2023, and is definitely worth the pre-order! 

Jessica 
Still Life by Sarah Winman - I absolutely fell in love with the characters in this delightful book. Beginning during WWII, this novel follows a group of friends who become family through the subsequent decades. Plus, it will make you want to hop the next flight to Florence 😎

Top #5SmartReads Of The Past Two Weeks

The rest of the week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

Your Questions, Answered:

What do you do when you’re feeling in a rut?
I’m gonna tackle this in two parts, because ruts come in different durations and intensities.

When I’m feeling off and in a mini-rut it’s usually because I’m on a dopamine roller coaster from spending too much time on social and not eating well. I decide all the social media apps from my phone and take a walk to sweetgreen to pick up a big salad, and listen to a Superhuman walking or chillin’ meditation to help reset my mind. I re-read or re-watch my favorites during these funks and I’m usually feeling better the next day.

When I’m in a deeper and more intense rut, I seek help from one of my coaches to unpack the rut and come up with an action plan. Most of the time I rewatch some of the lessons from Coach Keren’s Live With Enthusiasm program and ask a friend to by me accountability buddy to help me stay on track with the plan I put together. I’ve also found that writing a Magic 20 (20 things to make progress on a specific goal or project) and putting a 15 minute block on my calendar for the rest of the month to work through it, also helps.

In both cases, I mention the rut to my mental healthcare team so they’re aware and can monitor if it’s a symptom of something bigger that may need more direct help (a privilege I wish was available to everyone).

Starting a new job at a new company after 2 years of maternity leave. Advice to crush it?
Congratulations!

Two of my favorite thought leaders in this space are Neha Ruch and Lauren Smith Brody, and this Q & A between them is a great read to be introduced to their work and get some great tips on just that.

I would also highly recommend Amanda Goetz’s Newsletter, Life’s A Game. It’s filled with tactics that actually WORK when it comes to juggling work and family life with joy.

Dr. Jessica Wilen (a #5SmartReads contributor) publishes an excellent newsletter with tactics and advice that can help you, and she’s launching a group coaching program to support working moms.

What’s your go-to recommendations for a Taco Bell novice?
I’m both hyperbolic and completely serious when I ask if you’re read for your LIFE TO CHANGE?

I’m a fan of Taco Bell’s. greatest hits:

  • A Doritos Locos tacos (I get beans instead of meat but you do you!)

  • A Mexican Pizza, naturally

  • Potato soft taco (1 fire and 1 Diablo sauce per taco is my go-to_

  • A FROZEN Baja Blast (emphasis on the frozen!)

This is a solid place to start, but my boy Taco Bell Sommelier. has all the recs and the wine pairings!

Hi, can you please recommend a crossbody purse for work. Medium size and price 🙂 
Naghedi’s St. Barth’s mini crossbody in cashmere - the perfect size, design, and I wear mine for work and travel and weekends and everything. It’s $240 and I’m fairly certain my cost per wear is under $1 for this bag (which I’ve owned for a year). Naghedi also offers 10% off your first order!

What’s one thing you are looking forard to once your boys are back in school?
I do miss seeing the other parents who we’ve become friends with- a lot of us are traveling and it’s hard to get together, but i’m excited for those impromptu conversations at drop off and pick up, coffee and walks in the mornings, etc.

But I’m in no rush to jump into the frenzy of fall.

How is your post surgery healing going?
Physically, I feel completely healed and I feel SO LUCKY and fortune to feel this good.

Mentally, not great - but I just had an appointment with a perinatal psychiatrist and started a new med today after a new diagnosis (still frankly processing this, but will share more when I find the words).

Where in Hyderabad did you live? Did you go to school there?
I spend every summer since I was 2 at my mom’s childhood home in Himayath Nagar, which was the only constant home I had given how much we moved when I was growing up! I added up all the time I spend in India over my life and it was over 4 years (!!!!)

My parents now have a flat in Madhapur that’s close to all of our family scattered around the city and by our lab.

Here’s to no expectations and finding the magic in the mundane!

xo,
HPN

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