issue #185 - the one on doing things for yourself

Tara on feeling your feelings to heal yourself

Author

Hitha Palepu
June 25, 2023

Hi there my fellow traveler! I’m Tara Schuster, author of the runaway hit Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, and the just released Glow in the F*cking Dark. I guess I like to curse!

Previously, I was VP of Talent and Development at Comedy Central where I worked with such luminaries as Jordan Peele, Jon Stewart, and David Spade. It was a glam, fun, status-y job. It looked like my life was charmed. Except. I had grown up in a house where things went to die. I was so neglected and psychologically abused as a kid that my whole being WAS anxiety and depression. No one at work, however, had any clue because I was very good at hiding my interior life. Here’s how I saw it: life was a series of crises to endure and my job was just to trudge on and upwards to make it somewhere else. That is, until my 25th birthday when I drunk dialed my therapist threatening to hurt myself, and she, a perma-calm European woman, was so alarmed that she tried to find me and bring me to safety.

After that truly dark night of the soul, I decided that if I didn’t save my life - there wouldn’t be much more life to live. I had to become my own parent - in fact, I had to “re-parent” myself and undo twenty five years of neglect and give myself the nurturing I never received.

Now, my work focuses on how we can practically and joyfully find our worth and claim our power with small rituals that don’t require you to blow up your whole life to make change. And that is how I met Hitha! We became internet friends through the books and then real life friends over coffee. Now, I use Hitha’s How to Pack as a spiritual guide. Truly, the organization and attention to detail puts my soul at rest. I’m sure that’s what you meant to do, right Hitha?

I know I just talked a big game about growth and enjoying your life (something I thought was out of the cards for me!), but that all sounds kinda woo and throw-up-y to me. Like, how do you actually do that?! Well, one thing that has really helped me is to notice and befriend the emotions I want to reject - depression, anxiety, self-doubt - the golden oldies of emotional dysregulation! And I’d love to share my number one tool to help me do so!

When something goes “wrong” in my life (job loss, heart break, sickness - the ones that have been most present for me lately!) and that “wrong” thing is ALL I can see, I use the following journaling meditation to help me relax and remember I am more than any one emotion.

This is the love child of Tara Brach’s RAIN of self-compassion, the basics of Dr. Richard Scwartz’s Internal Family Systems, and a decade of trial, error, and SO many tears, here is what I do:

1. I notice that an emotion is taking over! “Oh man, grief! Here you are yet again! DANG!”

2. I reluctantly invite the emotion in. ‘Cus if I don’t it just pounds harder and harder at my door. I usually say, with a hand over my heart, “I notice my grief and I take good care of my grief (or whatever emotion I’m dealing with.” That’s a great framing device from one of my favorite teachers, the Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh

3. I feel the emotion, FULLY. Where in my body does this feeling live? What does this feeling want? That’s right, I ask it, “Grief, what do you need from me?” I do whatever it says. Sounds nuts but it will usually say something right back to you! This week it said, “I want you to be gentle with me and let me be sad.” Fair enough little grief voice!

4. I draw a picture with everything awesome in my life and this one not-so-awesome thing to remind myself of the truth: I am bigger than any one feeling or one “problem.” It’s not toxic positivity, it’s reality. Your life is made up of more than just the worst thing you’re going through and we need to remember that!

See, I’m more than my boy-sitch-break-up-hell

Sadly, it doesn’t work to tell yourself you “shouldn’t” feel something – like, ya do. BUT! It also doesn’t work to IGNORE all of the beauty and light and love you also have in your life. To do so would be to turn your back on reality. Because real life is so much more complex, beautiful, and resilient than your one issue. Just like you.

This sh*t really does work, I know because it has utterly transformed my life and the lives of hundreds of thousands of readers. If you’re interested in any of this, I hope you’ll join my weekly newsletter and even attend a virtual workshop I’m teaching on Self-Acceptance on Sunday, July 9th @ 10PT / ET. I know my tools work because I’m super involved in my community and know how their lives have been changed. So why not at least join my free newsletter? What do you have to lose

What We Read This Week

Tara

  • Tough Titties by Laura Belgray - I’m really loving Laura Belgray’s Tough Titties. It’s a memoir of “failing” her way to success. SO MANY self-help books present themselves as, “wow, I’m perfect and achieved all of this with thoughtful planning.” I love that Laura admits, she had no plan, she was just a hard worker who was totally herself and “mistaked” her way into creating a million dollar a year business and a life where she gets paid to be herself. I mean…anyone else jelly? It’s honest, hilarious, and totally relatable.

  • The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai - I just finished Rebecca Makkai's THE GREAT BELIEVERS and upon closing the back cover, I sent a Slack message to my team saying "I regret that I will not be able to attend Program Staff Training today because I have just finished THE GREAT BELIEVERS and I must go lie down in a dark room and weep until sunset". This book- which flip-flops between the AIDS crisis in the 80s and Paris in the mid-2010s and was recommended to me by The To Read List!- was. everything. Complex, inspiring, poignant, and so so so so achingly beautiful.

  • Viral Justice by Dr. Ruha Benjamin - My copy of Dr. Ruha Benjamin's book VIRAL JUSTICE literally looks like my child took a box of Crayola markers to it... it's THAT FULL of highlighted, underlined, triple-underlined, starred passages. This book is absolutely extraordinary and so deeply and profoundly shifted my understanding of how an individual shows up for racial justice. I buy my books from Semicolon Bookstore in Chicago!

  • Adelaide by Genevieve Wheeler - This book has an absolutely gorgeous cover, so don't be surprised to see it everywhere. This is the story of young women who give too much of themselves to fuckbois who do not deserve them. The audiobook narration is excellent. Lots of content warnings - make sure you check them if you have content triggers.

  • Sin and Ink by Naima Simone - This is my first Naima Simone and 🥵 - will not be my last! I flew through this in less than 24 hours - I couldn’t stop reading. This is a dual POV forbidden romance between an ex MMA fighter turned tattoo artist and the manager of this tattoo shop who also happens to be his brother's widow. This also has a gorgeous cover, but for entirely different reasons than Adelaide. Enjoy!

  • Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell - I’m obsessed with historical fiction told through the point of view of marginalized female characters, and this story did not disappoint. It’s the story of Anne Hathaway (called Agnes in the book), William Shakespeare’s wife and how she coped with the loss of their son, Hamnet, to the plague. It’s beautifully written, and I’d like to believe that Agnes Hathaway is as bad-ass as she is portrayed here. A great read if you’ve got a long flight coming up this summer.

Top #5SmartReads Of The Week

The rest of the week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

I am so honored that Hitha invited me into your space and to meet YOU. I hope this isn’t our last hang out and that you’ll join my newsletter and maybe even attend my July 9th workshop on Befriending the Frenemy Within and making peace with our inner critic.

xo,
Tara (or you can call me T$, that’s what my friends do!)

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