issue #180 - the one about support

Hi friends, 

We’re so excited to be here with you all today. We’re sisters, Olivia and Jenny, and we’re the co-founders of Fresh Starts Registry, the first and only platform for everything you need to start again. We are also the authors of Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say, as well as the hosts of A Fresh Story podcast. We’ve always had a pathological need to support the people in our life, as we say, we’re in the Business of Support - and are passionate about bridging the gap between giving people the permission to ask for support, and teaching people how to support their community and loved ones.

Recently our friend Hitha bravely shared very vulnerably about her current state of mental health - and as May is Mental Health Awareness Month, we are so proud of her, as she always is an advocate and role model for authenticity and honesty, especially when it comes to mental health. In a beautiful illustration of the community Hitha has cultivated, over 200 people commented on her Instagram post, echoing the sentiment. This is such a powerful reminder that we never know what other people are going through. We’re so proud of everyone who shared their truth on her post. As we never know what people are going through, we wanted to give you a Simple Script to check in on your loved ones to let them know they’re not alone. 

Copy and paste the Script at the bottom of this email into texts, DMs, emails, and even use it as a basis for a phone convo or voice note.

What We Read This Week

Jenny and Olivia 

  • In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado - Beautiful, reflective, and resonant, In the Dream House is an artistic account of a relationship gone toxic. I love the innovative approach to storytelling and was pulled in by the tale of romance gone wrong.

  • Home Cooking by Laurie Colwin - I read Laurie Colwin's work for the first time this year and found a new favorite writer. This book, first published in 1988, is about home cooking, dinner party disaster, small New York apartments where you wash the dishes in the bathtub, and so much more. With recipes, stories, and musings on life, Laurie is funny and vital. She sadly passed away in 1992 and I want to read all of her books.

  • On The Rooftop by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton - I read this a couple of months ago and the word that keeps coming to mind as I think back on it is "lyrical," in so many magical ways. This is a novel about music, about family, about neighborhoods and gentrification, about the not-so-distant past, and about figuring out who you are and how you fit in with all of it. I loved every word.

Top #5SmartReads Of The Week

The rest of the week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

Your Questions, Answered

How to convince my partner it’s time to hire a babysitter to help with school pick ups/kids meals!

First things first, you are not superhuman, and you are worthy of support. We’re so sorry that your partner doesn’t realize the importance of having help – this help that will enable you to not burn out, and to slow down enough to live in the present moment. Anytime we hear about someone having to “convince” their partner of something, we tend to think that the issue goes deeper than just the topic at hand. So, we would lay it out really clearly and goal-oriented: “we need to have help with the children for school pick up and during meal time because I want to make sure that we have enough adults on hand for safety reasons, and because I will burn out and exhaust myself from handling all of the things at one time.”

In order to be the best parent and partner for you to be, you need the help - and there is literally nothing wrong with that. If this is a money issue, I think the question arises: how can your partner support the situation so that your mental health is intact? Maybe they can help prep the kids’ meals, or maybe they can arrange for a school friend to help with pick up. 

We highly recommend checking out our friend Laura Danger, she is a Fair Play Facilitator and works with couples on equity within domestic labor. She hosts a podcast, Time to Lean, with Fresh Starts Expert, Fair Play Facilitator and therapist, Crystal Britt. Take a dive into their episodes for some insight into Fair Play. I know Hitha is a big fan of the Fair Play cards, as well.

But, most importantly, remember that you are worthy of support and help. 

Support in how to make a career choice: my boss wants to put me where I want, but I struggle to decide what I truly want.

We totally get this, sometimes the world being your oyster is just about the scariest thing. So many choices can be overwhelming! We always approach career moves by working backwards: given the realities of your industry, what would your ideal day look like? What time would you wake up? What happens next? Do you work from home or go into an office? Do you accomplish your work in the morning and take meetings in the afternoon? 

Walk through your day in the most ideal way possible and then figure out what positions/opportunities align with that. We also recommend reaching out to a career coach to help you talk and work through these decisions. Fresh Starts Expert, Arissan Nicole, a Resume and Career Coach, offers free one-on-one career consults, and for the month of May is offering a FREE resume review alongside the consult, as well. Tramelle Jones, also a Fresh Starts Expert and career coach, also offers free one-on-one coaching consults. Sometimes it really helps to talk to someone new, someone who understands your dilemma, and can offer support. We highly recommend reaching out and setting up a call with them. And most importantly, we are so excited that you have worked so hard to have so many options and opportunities, we’re proud of you.

How do I let go of things that no longer work for me but I still feel like I NEED to do them?

The things we need to do go into two categories: things we actually need to do (pay rent, shower sometimes, eat a vegetable occasionally, do our taxes) and things we believe we need to do because of society, family, community, pressure or work. I imagine you’re asking about the second category, how do we let go of the habits, activities or responsibilities set upon us by all the forces that are in society? I’m going to be honest with you, it will be a process. 

And the process starts here: other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Learning this concept will be a practice you will need to exercise, just like you would your body! We encourage you to repeat this phrase to yourself at the times when other people’s opinions of you have nothing to do with your day (walking down a street sipping an iced coffee, reading the news, putting away groceries). 

It’s your little mantra: other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.

Remind yourself of this many times a day. This way, when you are challenged with the idea that someone’s opinion of you may shift, because you’ve stopped doing the thing that no longer serves you, but you feel like you NEED to do, that voice will be strong and practiced and repeated. Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business, it will remind you. And like a hand to hold on to and squeeze you will repeat this over and over until the anxious feeling passes. And one day you will wake up and it won’t just be a mantra, it will somehow have wormed its way into your brain. It won’t be something you tell yourself anymore, you’ll have rewired your brain. The world will look different, even though it’s the same. You’ll be different, you’ll be free.

Tips on finding closure?

Let’s start here: closure is a mercurial and capricious friend. It may seem like closure will heal the open wound, quite literally suture it. But what IS closure? What does that mean? Does it mean the other party admits wrongdoing? Does it mean we’ve said our piece and through that we find peace? One of those we can control and one we cannot. We can only control ourselves: our words, actions and feelings. We cannot compel another person, company or group to say or feel or do anything. 

So first we need to define closure as something we can control that would make us feel…sutured. Often this means getting our thoughts out. For us this action is writing a long email with (and this part is very important) NO ONE IN THE TO FIELD. Or maybe an involved text in our notes app. Or, write it out in your journal! Then you put it down. Next, I want you to think about what would or could happen if you sent this message. Is there any practical good that can come of it? Will the offending party be appropriately chastened? Are they capable of being chastened? Is there information in your letter that will clarify or release either party, you or the other? 

If you can easily define the practical good or find a true reason to share this note beyond reproach or rebuke it’s time to bring the note and your argument in defense of it to a very, very calm person you trust. If they think the letter has value, take their edits into consideration and go ahead and send. I am going to tell you that 9 times out of 10, once you write that letter and give yourself and the feelings some space you’ll see there is no practical benefit from sending. And when you’re angry or hurt again you’ll be able to go back and read it. Remember, letters, words, messages cannot be unsent or unsaid, but you can always send or say them later, so pause. On the other front, you are worthy of closure. You are worthy of moving past whatever the pain was. But in reality, only you can grant yourself those prizes, closure and moving on. 

We have an amazing Forgiveness Coach at Fresh Starts, Becky Wong, of Wild Roots Coaching - and she is always sharing nuggets of wisdom on her social media, so give her a follow and take a breath.

How to ask for help when you’re bad at asking for help?

Oh boy, the hyper dependence thing is so real. Olivia and I have both had points in our lives when asking for help has felt too vulnerable, too inefficient and mostly like we should be able to do it all without help. That wasn’t true for us and it isn’t true for you. I want to tell you this. And once I tell you what I am about to tell you, I want you to repeat it over and over.

You are worthy of help. You are so very worthy of help. And I would put good money down to bet that your community would be honored to be the ones who get to help you. You are worthy of love and support and assistance. You are deserving of your community taking care of you. I would imagine you are stellar at caretaking your people, so you know that sometimes the greatest act of love is allowing others to caretake you. 

Your prescription is two fold, repeat to yourself 3 times daily that you are worthy of support. The second part is this script to let people know that you need support, and asking for this support can feel overwhelming. Make it your own and text it, email it or speak it over the phone. 

This is kind of overwhelming and I feel a little anxious even broaching this, I just need to say that before I start. I’ve been trying to hold everything together on my own and it’s kind of not working anymore. Asking for help feels super scary and vulnerable, but I can’t keep going at this by myself. There are a few things that would be helpful to get some help with, or even just talk through, for example [insert your list/ask here]. I appreciate you for taking the time to listen to me and for always supporting me. I am so grateful for you and the space you hold for me to be vulnerable. 

What things or rituals soothe/bring comfort to you?

For so many years, I thought I couldn’t “do rituals,” they seemed so overwhelming to start! And, then I started working with holistic body coach and Fresh Starts Expert Gina Newton, and she helped me realize that rituals can be really, really small, too! I’m at the place in my life now where I have a multitude of rituals I can turn to at various points. The important thing to remember about rituals is that they serve different purposes. Some of the rituals I’ve been doing lately to ground myself, is that I begin my day with listening to classical music on my phone while making my bed and getting dressed. I really try to not check social media or email until the songs are over, the bed is made, and I’m ready for the day. This helps keep my energetic boundaries strong! Another ritual I’ve grown accustomed to is doing a few yoga poses before bed. And, I really just mean a FEW! I stand, in my pajamas, next to my bed, and do some warrior poses and one-legged prayer pose. Walking is a really important ritual to me. I try to walk every morning, and listen to music that makes me smile. This helps me to get outside and focus on something outside of myself. Yoga teacher and Fresh Starts Expert, Ali Plante, has a podcast episode on finding ritual throughout your day, and I think you’ll find it very helpful! (It’s under 5 minutes). 

Most importantly, choose rituals that feel good to your body. Maybe it’s reading a poem in the morning, or lighting a candle before you work, or maybe it’s just taking a few deep breaths in the shower. Rituals don’t have to be extreme, they just have to make sense for you. 

We wrote this Script just for you to check in with your people – copy and paste the below into a text, DM, or voice memo. 

Hey love! You popped into my head today and I wanted to check in. I hope the week is treating you well, and that your coffee has been at the perfect temperature. I just wanted you to know that I love hearing about your whole life, and I’m so proud to call you a friend. No rush to respond, just know that I’m always in your pocket and love you lots. 

Reach out and say hi on Instagram (@freshstartsregistry, @genevievedreizen, @thedigitalyenta), or Twitter (@freshstartshere, @thegenevieved, @thedigitalyenta) 

Thanks so much for hanging with us in the newsletter today. Please let us know if we can support you in any way - we’re really proud of you, and we’re here for all of your brave decisions and fresh starts.

XX,Jenny Dreizen and Olivia Dreizen Howell

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