issue #131- the one about grief and love

April 17, 2022

A quick housekeeping note for my Seattle-based friends! I’ll be in town for two events this week - on Monday evening with Armoire, and Tuesday evening with University of Washington Bookstore. If you feel comfortable to attend in-person events, I hope to see you there!

Grief is love.

It is a radical perspective on a feeling and state of being that we’ve largely been told we need to endure or push through, rather than learn to live with.

And how to grieve with love is what my friend Marisa taught me to do, both in our friendship and in her stellar debut book Grief Is Love.

In two years that have been filled with so much loss, I can’t help but think about my own loved ones that I’ve lost pre-pandemic whose absence is palpable in my life.

There’s Neela, who’s technically my second cousin but was, in my heart, my little sister. She came into my life when I was 7 like a whirlwind, and we lost her equally quickly at the beginning of 2017. I’ve lost track how many times I’ve had the desire to text her a funny video of the boys or to tell her how amazing A Discovery of Witches was, or that she could have a pile of clothes and shoes and bags that I’ve since outgrown, or just because I wanted to say hi.

I still tear up whenever I think of her or write about her. But where sadness and longing used to live, now stand unending and unconditional love for the amazing woman I had and have the pleasure to love and live with and for.

These have been a really hard two years, and so many of us have quickly and unexpectedly lost those we thought we had more time with. And if there’s one thing I know, we’re all in different stages of our grief - in processing it, in learning how to live without these people in our lives, and in loving them (in the present tense) even though their physical bodies are no longer with us.

Grief is love. And love is grief (in how we fear to lose it). And thanks to Marisa, we can learn to honor both, at the same time.

I’m honored to be able to give away a press mailer of Grief Is Love - you can enter here.

What I Read This Week

  • Something Wilder by Christina Lauren (out May 17) - billed as “sexy National Treasure” (which is exactly up to my speed), the latest Christina Lauren did not disappoint and is also the lighthearted, loveable romp that I love about their books. A delightful book that I liked and enjoyed every word of, it felt like a vacation in book form.

  • Station Eternity by Mur Lafferty (out October 4) - Veronica Mars, but in space. That’s it. That’s the premise and it was enough for me to download it via Netgalley and it surpassed my high expectations, so you should request it or pre-order it now. It was the first Mur Lafferty book I’ve ever read, but far from the last - I can’t wait to read her entire backlist.

Top #5SmartReads of the Week

The rest of the week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

Your Questions, Answered

Best thing you’ve purchased this year for yourself and for your family?A new desk for myself (no more sit-stand risers!) - you’ll learn why next week!

For my kids, I got them KiwiCo kits so we have screen-free activities to do together that does not include them trashing our home

Gotta say I tried Haldi because of you and I’m in LOVE with everything they recommended!That makes me so happy! I love Haldi and am so thrilled to be partnering with them, and that you find them valuable as well means the world to me!

Tell us more about the brows. Research you did, maintenance now, etc.I’ve gotten my eyebrows microbladed before and didn’t keep eyebrows dry enough for the first 10 days, and they faded within a few months as a result. I knew that when I did it again, I would need to the fill aftercare and get the machine-drawn microblading as well.

When Brooke Devard recommended Lash Eyeland on her stories, I looked at her profile and work and was really impressed. She did an incredible job and I can’t recommend her more highly!

How on earth did you find a nanny in NYC?From the UES Mommas Facebook group! My friend Neha Ruch wrote an incredible guide ($12) on how to find and hire a caregiver, filled with sample job desripctions, interview scripts to help you find the right caregiver for your family!

Fave way to de-puff your face?

The Skinny Confidential’s ice roller. It’s powerhouse and helps me depute my face, has helped me reduce the itchiness of my mircrobladed eyebrows, and has even helped me with my migraines (I roll it all over my forehead when I fell it coming on and follow it up with massaging Equilibria Relief Cream on my temples!)

Stretch marks… do you have any treatment suggestions?Gonna tag my brilliant term friends Laura Scott and Dr. Anna Karp to see if they have any treatments or product advice. Ever/Body is an incredible medical spa that may have treatments to address his specifically.

I have stretch marks (lots of people do), and mine don’t bother me. That said, I fixated on my non-existent eyebrows enough to get them microbladed and have researched nonsurgical rhinoplasty more than I am proud to admit. So do whatever makes you feel happy, and if that means getting treatments to minimize your stretch marks (which are often hereditary and out of your control), do you boo!

Also! How did you start the process of getting your first book published?I was approached by an editor from Clarkson Potter the day I came home from the hospital after delivering Rho, met with her a week later, and had an offer letter a few weeks later!

So signing a contract (which the incredible Kim Perel negotiated and handled) was the first step. On the writing front, Kim taught me how to write a book- establishing a clear vice, mixing stories and advice, and actually getting my head down and writing against the deadline.

She has an amazing book proposal workshop that I highly recommend if you’re thinking about writing a nonfiction book!

Any recs for a great purse/bag? Can’t seem to find the right now. Thanks

I love this Naghedi bag-it’s so roomy, can fit all your stuff and your kids’ stuff too, easy to clean, love the crossbody strap, and this dark green is so pretty!

Ways to met new people during these times?I’ve made a lot of friends right here- in the DMs, chatted enough times and then would meet for a walk or a coffee or lunch!

I’m doing an event with Jane Green at The Wing on May 4th that you should come to and meet some amazing women.  

Reads/thoughts on starting a new job while pregnant? Want both this year but nervous! Both Paulina Cameron and I took on CEO roles when we were both expecting babies- she had a lot of reflections and posts on how she went about it with grace and with authority and I’m so inspired by her.

You will see very quickly if your new company walks the walk when it comes to parental leave and how they support parents. Ask your coworkers to introduce you to people at the company who took parental leave and what they wish they knew/did/regret doing, clearly understand who is backfilling your role and a plan to smoothly transition the work to them and when.

I’m so excited for you!

Have a wonderful week, my friend!

xo,HPN

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